In Repair

So over the past week a half, I have gone from abject self-hatred to being back to normal..for the most part. I'm not really sure how it happened so quickly but things have changed for me. Perspectives and priorities have changed. I'm not gonna say its a complete 180, because it takes a lot for people to change. But I will say that my mindset has changed and I'm in the process of changing. I've had these.... boundaries for the past year or so, due to things that have happened and changed how I think about things. These events have left scars and they've been healing but, very very slowly. But over the past week it's been like someone has finally given me some medicine and they're healing faster. They will always be there but, they won't be as bad and won't affect me as much. I'm slowly but surely pushing these boundaries and learning what was behind them. Some are going to be harder than others, but it's all for the best I think. I've got to change where these boundaries are at if I'm to move forward or grow at all. I know that this isn't going to be easy and will come with some pain, scratch that will come with a lot of pain. But that's what happens when you grow, things get pushed out of the way and you have growing pains. Some may ask why we need that. They're there to teach you, without them we would stop moving forward, and just like when a shark stops swimming it dies, we would proverbially die, in our personal and relational lives. If you haven't guessed by now, a friend has given me a lot to think about, and I thank them for that. Who better to help you move forward than someone you trust?
I look ahead over the horizon and I see some of the rocks ahead that will cause me to stumble. Can I go around them? Can I go over them? I'm not sure, I'm not close enough yet to see. But I know one thing I'd rather take a chance on getting stuck or hurt than taking the safe road. The safe road is good for awhile. But you learn less on it, with risk comes experience and growth.

There’s a storm in my heart tonight
It’s raging deep within my soul
A fire burning, that I can’t control
I’ve made my mistakes, slipped up and now I’ve lost control
They can’t be reversed, or taken back. I’m sorry for what I’ve done.
I just want to get back to where I was.

I feel helpless and lost in this mess of my own making.
My feet are stuck. My hands holding on to the end of the rope.
This storm is consuming me. Taking control.
I need Your help, calm my soul.
I’m sorry for what I’ve done.
Jesus, get me back to where I was.

It's been a while since I posted on here. I've been very busy, and things have been actually going pretty good. If you've ever read this you can tell its my place to vent. Mostly about relationships. I've come close since my last couple posts but, yet again nothing has come of it. I keep wondering why it is impossible for me to be happy where I'm at. I have friends, family, I really do have it good. But I just can't seem to stop searching. I recently read an article entitled "What Women Really Need From Men". I sent it to two girls, whose opinions I trust, and they pretty much agreed with what the writer had written. So I look over this article and I see things that I need to work on. But I'm not sure how to even start or how you work on these things. I keep thinking that....I'm pretty good the way I am. But for the sake of argument lets say there is some stuff I need to work on. I think we will always be working on stuff, we're never finished growing. So, if we're never finished growing, how hard should it be to find someone who can appreciate us where we're at? I like to think that I can look at a person and see where they're at, and where they want to be going and appreciate that. Appreciate that....ambition, that direction. So why can't others? I think we look for that perfect person, that soul mate. This my friends.....is a myth. A soul mate is something that has been conjured up for use in romantic plays and poems and movies. We connect with people and we find we have chemistry and our interests are alike and we complement each other. That we find a soul mate right off is...not necessarily something that happens. Only after you spend a lot of time with that person and get to know them will they become your best friend and/or soul mate. So maybe perfection is something a little too high to shoot for. Maybe you should find someone you can get along with, someone you can talk to....someone you can trust. Because the most important factor in any relationship is trust. Girls always say they want the guy they can trust, but that's not what they want right away. They want someone who is a little dangerous or mysterious if you will. The safe person is boring, even if that is what they ultimately want. So that person ends up becoming the best friend, and let me tell you girls. That....the best friend, what do you think of this guy, guy that you ask questions. That breaks our heart, maybe not all of us...but some of us....it really hurts. Do us a favor and make a choice, don't flip-flop because you want the best of both worlds.
For the past couple months, I have been doing my best to not like anyone or look. I wanted to be focused on school and my friends. This has admittedly, been a failure. Apparently I am too much of a romantic to stop looking and liking, and unfortunately for me my default setting is relationship. This causes problems because I want too much, I want commitment. The girls I have met, aren't interested in that level of commitment. I'm not talking like....marriage. But a serious relationship. People say that when you stop looking you find it. I think it only seems like it cause you're not looking for it. I'm starting to think the best option is to just shut it all down. Do your best to not look, while my attempt has been unsuccessful, that doesn't mean that I'm not going to continue trying; and who knows...maybe someday, I'll have something happy to post about on this blog But until then, here I stand, doing my best to stand against the wind and the waves, I'm trying to keep the ship off the rocks. But this is what happens when you say, to hell with the torpedoes, full speed ahead. Sometimes you miss and hit the rocks and get destroyed. I'm not destroyed, not yet anyway. We'll see how much longer I can last though.

It's been 405 days since I first started this blog, first posted. A lot has happened between now and then. My dad has had surgery, my mom too. 2 New Year's and Christmases. 1 birthday. I could put a longer list down to dazzle you with how much time has passed but I will refrain, those things get annoying. But suffice it to say it has been a long 405 days. I've learned a lot, put a lot into practice, and done nothing concerning other things i've learned. I've had feelings come and go for 3 different girls, with only one being the constant. We're close, extremely close. We talk about everything, for long periods of time. 6 hours on the phone to be exact. But that aside i've come here to say something......ready?....are you sure?.....ok......I'm done. I've said it before and anyone who knows me will of course be skeptical. Hell i'm skeptical, I know myself and I know that this won't last forever. There's been a lot of heartbreak, i'll admit i've been a but crazy but that's what happens when you let your heart into anything. You go overboard, do things you wouldn't normally do. But for me? I'm done letting my heart think, that is not what it's there for. It's not there to think for me, and guide my decisions. I've let it guide me a lot over these past 405 days, it hasn't been the best. So i'm done. Dating? Bye. Feelings? See ya. Will I be a stone cold, emotionless robot? No, I just choose not to like anyone. It will hopefully make life simpler. Rose colored glasses, as love is sometimes called, are a hindrance to your sight. They keep you from seeing what is truly ahead of you. People always say stop thinking, you're thinking too much. My new favorite, you're thinking yourself dizzy. Which I can, believe me I can. But maybe that isn't such a good idea. If we didn't think we'd end up doing some pretty stupid things, maybe there is a place for logic in love. Let me be clear though, thinking with feelings is a bad idea. It will......color your judgment. You need to be objective, however hard that may be. So before you ask a girl out, or before you get invested. Stop, be objective and think. What would I tell someone to do? It may save you some heartache.

Patience. Something that for some of us comes easy and for some of us comes hard. For me, my problem with patience is in many areas, but in the theme of this blog; for me its in dating. I want a relationship....too much. So when I get a hint of one, I pounce. As we guys say, I get trigger happy. I either tell her how I feel or i'm so damn close that she figures it out. Patience is important, but it can also be crippling and a guise in which to cloak insecurity. Plus if you wait, you may miss your chance and chances don't always come around a second time. So the hard part is to know when you take your shot and when to wait. So thats my question, when do you take your shot? I'm currently in the process of trying to figure that out. I like a girl but she's happy being friends, and her reason for not wanting to try more is...incomplete. At least from what I can see. I've been asking for advice from my friends, i've gotten really three answers, Wait, take your shot now, and forget about it altogether. First of all forgetting about it altogether and cutting off contact, is not my style. I care too much, and it may hurt me but it's who I am, fundamentally. Plus I don't want to be cold and unfeeling, people like that don't ever really experience things, yes they may have less pain, but they also have less joy. Number two, in the past I have taken my shot, and it hasn't worked out, admittedly it was because I was going about it all wrong. Waiting, that is the new concept that has entered my mind. It's really the most risky of all of them. Because one of two things happens, either things evenutally work out, it may take time, lots of it. Or things end, they move on, and you don't. Things don't change. But really when it comes down to it, what happens is really a coin toss. One coin, two sides. Heads. Tails. Happy. Sad. And you get one toss, maybe you get more than one. But more often than not you don't. That's all we guys really get. I wish I had more to say, something more eloquent, deeper. But I don't so I end this with a question. One toss, the clock's running down, and you're losing ground to the opposing defense. 4th and long, down by a touchdown what do you do?

So, I sit here tonight not being able to sleep. Could be the Venti Espresso Chocolate Truffle I consumed. Could be my mind won't shut off. Over the past couple of months i've become ok with the idea of being single, maybe even happy you could say. Yet, i'm not. The girl that broke my heart last semester is single again, and we've been talking....a lot. But it stopped and I can't help but feel somethings wrong. She says we're ok but, deep down inside, i'm not really sure I believe her. One of my friends tells me to move on. The others agree that I should keep trying, I could go into what all happened but...I don't wanna take a thousand words. Suffice it to say, this girl has a hold on me. I don't know how it happened but it has. Maybe its how we communicate and that we have a lot in common and in her words, "We don't run out of things to talk about, we just run out of energy". Or it could be that it was the first time that I liked a girl and she liked me back; I don't know, and frankly, I'm not sure if I care. I do know that I want to play this out to the end. I think we could have something here, but I'm not sure. But does it really matter how I feel? I think not, what really matters is how she feels. She's happy, ok with being single. I am, to a degree, but changing something that is basically embedded in who you are....isn't easy, in fact it's impossible. So I guess for now, i'm gonna leave things the way they are. I'll keep being 2 people in one, a happy single guy, and a hopeless romantic.

I’m tired of getting hurt…….Can I say that? I’m tired of trusting and caring about someone and having my heart and hopes always completely dashed. I’m tired of thinking about that person and being happy with the contact that I get from them. The hugs and the talking and consoling her and getting torn down and crushed. I trust so easily and I care about the person easily and what has come of it? Pain. That’s it, that’s all I’ve ever gotten and I’m starting to wonder if that’s all I’ll ever get. What is it that causes me to get this every time. What is it about me that every time something good comes around the corner I get punched in the gut and hit while I’m down. Why is it that I get continually beat up? Will there ever be any respite from this? I cannot understand what I did to deserve all of this! I’m supposed to be a caring, sensitive, sweet, romantic guy and what has it gotten me? Nothing but heartbreak. I want to stop, I want to quit, I don’t want this anymore. But I know that that’s not possible, no matter what I keep moving forward and it sucks. I’d rather just stop right where I am and just stay here, I don’t wanna move on to the next person, ever. Not because of the current person but because the next person will hurt me. I know it, its going to happen. It always does. It always will. I’ve been told that people know I won’t end up alone and I’m not sure about that anymore. I really am not sure about that. Because if this keeps happening I’m gonna choose to be alone, and I know that sucks and its pathetic and I don’t understand why people live like that. But ya know what? I’m starting to understand why. They don’t wanna get hurt, they don’t want their heart ripped out unknowingly and crushed. How do I know this? Because its seriously entering my mind. It hurts too much to keep trying and I know I’m saying this now and I know that a couple weeks, months down the road I’ll be right back to normal again, trying, hoping, wishing. I know that all that’s gonna lead to is more pain. But my heart is dumb and can’t remember that. It truly believes in true love. But does it really exist? I’m seriously starting to wonder. Because the pain comes, all too often. Its there every time, all the time. What kills me is she’s so far….perfect. We agree on everything, but apparently that means nothing. She hasn’t said this but its been shown through words and glances and quiet moments. I’ve been to blind to see it, because I wanted to hope that this was it. But it wasn’t and I don’t think that it will ever happen. Because I’m about to become more cynical and jaded. I’m tired of being this weak, romantic person who gives what they have only to go unnoticed and overlooked. Why? You wanna know what I really think? Deep, down inside in the depths of my psyche and heart. It all, and I mean all boils down to physical appearance. That’s it, no more, no less. Because they say they want all these qualities, all these personality traits. But its not true, because they want to be able to look at them for more than 5 mins and not have to look away and feign that they like the person. That’s all they really want, no matter what they say and this is true for everyone. Because who gets attracted by personality first? No one. Find me one person who is and I’ll concede but it’s damn near impossible. I sit here tonight with all this on my mind and a million questions running through my head, wondering why this is happening to me and what I did to deserve this, and will I ever find someone. Will I end up alone, and be lonely for the rest of my life; and for once in my life I cannot give you an answer. I honestly don’t know, for so long I believed that I wouldn’t, but take a look around and see so many people single, and I can see that it does happen. Even to people who are supposed to not be alone. I’m starting to think that it could and most likely will happen to me. Because you know what? The sensitive, sweet, caring guys, the ones that are there when she needs you. They’re usually the first to die off. We’re the small, skinny weak kid, who in dodgeball gets creamed by the big kid first and is taken to the school nurse. They get hurt and crushed and they learn to be guarded. Just not all of us learn that, we’re the idiots that keep going back and getting burnt. In dating, we’re the retarded kid. Because we don’t ever really learn from our experiences. We constantly go back and do over what we have done in the past, and I don’t know if I can break out of that pattern. I’ve been told constantly that if you don’t look for love it will find you and I’ve had many people corroborate this story. But I don’t fully buy into it. Because we can’t sit on our butt and expect God to drop someone into our lap. We have to go out and look for them. I know, I know what you’re saying, you need to become who you are first and then find someone. I’m telling you right now I know who I am and where I stand. I know there are things I need to work on, we all have things we need to work on, and will until we die. I know that its somewhat idealistic to think that people can that look past peoples flaws and see what’s on the inside. It doesn’t happen that way and I don’t think it ever will. I can’t explain why I believe that. I’m starting feel that I’m messed up in relationships. That there is something fundamentally wrong with how I think and act when I like someone, and I know that I trust too much and make to much out of the little things. You could say I’m looking for reasons for, not reasons against. I’m sorry for being an optimist, I’m sorry that I continually hope for the best and believe in true love. As much as I don’t want to after this, I know that I will. Now I’ve talked about love a lot, and I want to assure you that I’m not in love with this girl. I know what love is and I’m not in love. I’m interested in her and probably even like her. I’m really starting to wonder if there is someone out there for me, because I haven’t even come close to finding her. At least that’s what I think. I know that I’ve said in the past that there’s someone out there for everyone, and there is. But we don’t always find them. Why? I have no idea. I just know that some of us don’t. There are some people now reading this, if anyone is, and they’re thinking that I want a relationship just to have a relationship. I will tell you right now that, that is not true. I want a relationship for all the right reasons. I want it for the emotional part, when you can talk to the person and confide in them and trust them and get to know them better. I want the spiritual part where you both help each other grow in your relationship with God. To me the physical part is an added bonus. Because just being able to hold her hand would make me smile for the rest of my life, no matter who she is as long as she’s the right one. I constantly try, give of myself and get nothing in return. I can’t explain this. I can’t understand this. I want to cry out why? Why me? Haven’t I suffered enough? Haven’t you put me through enough emotional pain? But I can’t because I know that He knows better, and for right now, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t see it and I don’t even know if it exists. I’m sorry that this is so long, but if you read it all, thank you.