In Repair

Patience. Something that for some of us comes easy and for some of us comes hard. For me, my problem with patience is in many areas, but in the theme of this blog; for me its in dating. I want a relationship....too much. So when I get a hint of one, I pounce. As we guys say, I get trigger happy. I either tell her how I feel or i'm so damn close that she figures it out. Patience is important, but it can also be crippling and a guise in which to cloak insecurity. Plus if you wait, you may miss your chance and chances don't always come around a second time. So the hard part is to know when you take your shot and when to wait. So thats my question, when do you take your shot? I'm currently in the process of trying to figure that out. I like a girl but she's happy being friends, and her reason for not wanting to try more is...incomplete. At least from what I can see. I've been asking for advice from my friends, i've gotten really three answers, Wait, take your shot now, and forget about it altogether. First of all forgetting about it altogether and cutting off contact, is not my style. I care too much, and it may hurt me but it's who I am, fundamentally. Plus I don't want to be cold and unfeeling, people like that don't ever really experience things, yes they may have less pain, but they also have less joy. Number two, in the past I have taken my shot, and it hasn't worked out, admittedly it was because I was going about it all wrong. Waiting, that is the new concept that has entered my mind. It's really the most risky of all of them. Because one of two things happens, either things evenutally work out, it may take time, lots of it. Or things end, they move on, and you don't. Things don't change. But really when it comes down to it, what happens is really a coin toss. One coin, two sides. Heads. Tails. Happy. Sad. And you get one toss, maybe you get more than one. But more often than not you don't. That's all we guys really get. I wish I had more to say, something more eloquent, deeper. But I don't so I end this with a question. One toss, the clock's running down, and you're losing ground to the opposing defense. 4th and long, down by a touchdown what do you do?

So, I sit here tonight not being able to sleep. Could be the Venti Espresso Chocolate Truffle I consumed. Could be my mind won't shut off. Over the past couple of months i've become ok with the idea of being single, maybe even happy you could say. Yet, i'm not. The girl that broke my heart last semester is single again, and we've been talking....a lot. But it stopped and I can't help but feel somethings wrong. She says we're ok but, deep down inside, i'm not really sure I believe her. One of my friends tells me to move on. The others agree that I should keep trying, I could go into what all happened but...I don't wanna take a thousand words. Suffice it to say, this girl has a hold on me. I don't know how it happened but it has. Maybe its how we communicate and that we have a lot in common and in her words, "We don't run out of things to talk about, we just run out of energy". Or it could be that it was the first time that I liked a girl and she liked me back; I don't know, and frankly, I'm not sure if I care. I do know that I want to play this out to the end. I think we could have something here, but I'm not sure. But does it really matter how I feel? I think not, what really matters is how she feels. She's happy, ok with being single. I am, to a degree, but changing something that is basically embedded in who you are....isn't easy, in fact it's impossible. So I guess for now, i'm gonna leave things the way they are. I'll keep being 2 people in one, a happy single guy, and a hopeless romantic.

I’m tired of getting hurt…….Can I say that? I’m tired of trusting and caring about someone and having my heart and hopes always completely dashed. I’m tired of thinking about that person and being happy with the contact that I get from them. The hugs and the talking and consoling her and getting torn down and crushed. I trust so easily and I care about the person easily and what has come of it? Pain. That’s it, that’s all I’ve ever gotten and I’m starting to wonder if that’s all I’ll ever get. What is it that causes me to get this every time. What is it about me that every time something good comes around the corner I get punched in the gut and hit while I’m down. Why is it that I get continually beat up? Will there ever be any respite from this? I cannot understand what I did to deserve all of this! I’m supposed to be a caring, sensitive, sweet, romantic guy and what has it gotten me? Nothing but heartbreak. I want to stop, I want to quit, I don’t want this anymore. But I know that that’s not possible, no matter what I keep moving forward and it sucks. I’d rather just stop right where I am and just stay here, I don’t wanna move on to the next person, ever. Not because of the current person but because the next person will hurt me. I know it, its going to happen. It always does. It always will. I’ve been told that people know I won’t end up alone and I’m not sure about that anymore. I really am not sure about that. Because if this keeps happening I’m gonna choose to be alone, and I know that sucks and its pathetic and I don’t understand why people live like that. But ya know what? I’m starting to understand why. They don’t wanna get hurt, they don’t want their heart ripped out unknowingly and crushed. How do I know this? Because its seriously entering my mind. It hurts too much to keep trying and I know I’m saying this now and I know that a couple weeks, months down the road I’ll be right back to normal again, trying, hoping, wishing. I know that all that’s gonna lead to is more pain. But my heart is dumb and can’t remember that. It truly believes in true love. But does it really exist? I’m seriously starting to wonder. Because the pain comes, all too often. Its there every time, all the time. What kills me is she’s so far….perfect. We agree on everything, but apparently that means nothing. She hasn’t said this but its been shown through words and glances and quiet moments. I’ve been to blind to see it, because I wanted to hope that this was it. But it wasn’t and I don’t think that it will ever happen. Because I’m about to become more cynical and jaded. I’m tired of being this weak, romantic person who gives what they have only to go unnoticed and overlooked. Why? You wanna know what I really think? Deep, down inside in the depths of my psyche and heart. It all, and I mean all boils down to physical appearance. That’s it, no more, no less. Because they say they want all these qualities, all these personality traits. But its not true, because they want to be able to look at them for more than 5 mins and not have to look away and feign that they like the person. That’s all they really want, no matter what they say and this is true for everyone. Because who gets attracted by personality first? No one. Find me one person who is and I’ll concede but it’s damn near impossible. I sit here tonight with all this on my mind and a million questions running through my head, wondering why this is happening to me and what I did to deserve this, and will I ever find someone. Will I end up alone, and be lonely for the rest of my life; and for once in my life I cannot give you an answer. I honestly don’t know, for so long I believed that I wouldn’t, but take a look around and see so many people single, and I can see that it does happen. Even to people who are supposed to not be alone. I’m starting to think that it could and most likely will happen to me. Because you know what? The sensitive, sweet, caring guys, the ones that are there when she needs you. They’re usually the first to die off. We’re the small, skinny weak kid, who in dodgeball gets creamed by the big kid first and is taken to the school nurse. They get hurt and crushed and they learn to be guarded. Just not all of us learn that, we’re the idiots that keep going back and getting burnt. In dating, we’re the retarded kid. Because we don’t ever really learn from our experiences. We constantly go back and do over what we have done in the past, and I don’t know if I can break out of that pattern. I’ve been told constantly that if you don’t look for love it will find you and I’ve had many people corroborate this story. But I don’t fully buy into it. Because we can’t sit on our butt and expect God to drop someone into our lap. We have to go out and look for them. I know, I know what you’re saying, you need to become who you are first and then find someone. I’m telling you right now I know who I am and where I stand. I know there are things I need to work on, we all have things we need to work on, and will until we die. I know that its somewhat idealistic to think that people can that look past peoples flaws and see what’s on the inside. It doesn’t happen that way and I don’t think it ever will. I can’t explain why I believe that. I’m starting feel that I’m messed up in relationships. That there is something fundamentally wrong with how I think and act when I like someone, and I know that I trust too much and make to much out of the little things. You could say I’m looking for reasons for, not reasons against. I’m sorry for being an optimist, I’m sorry that I continually hope for the best and believe in true love. As much as I don’t want to after this, I know that I will. Now I’ve talked about love a lot, and I want to assure you that I’m not in love with this girl. I know what love is and I’m not in love. I’m interested in her and probably even like her. I’m really starting to wonder if there is someone out there for me, because I haven’t even come close to finding her. At least that’s what I think. I know that I’ve said in the past that there’s someone out there for everyone, and there is. But we don’t always find them. Why? I have no idea. I just know that some of us don’t. There are some people now reading this, if anyone is, and they’re thinking that I want a relationship just to have a relationship. I will tell you right now that, that is not true. I want a relationship for all the right reasons. I want it for the emotional part, when you can talk to the person and confide in them and trust them and get to know them better. I want the spiritual part where you both help each other grow in your relationship with God. To me the physical part is an added bonus. Because just being able to hold her hand would make me smile for the rest of my life, no matter who she is as long as she’s the right one. I constantly try, give of myself and get nothing in return. I can’t explain this. I can’t understand this. I want to cry out why? Why me? Haven’t I suffered enough? Haven’t you put me through enough emotional pain? But I can’t because I know that He knows better, and for right now, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t see it and I don’t even know if it exists. I’m sorry that this is so long, but if you read it all, thank you.

What is it that makes relationships/dating so hard? Fundamentally they seem to look easy on the outside. I mean I see a bunch of couples everyday who are happy, who have successful relationships. Yet I’ve found it to be one of the hardest things in life. I wonder what it is that makes it hard? Are people scared to take chances; so they hide behind clichés such as, I don’t wanna lose you as a friend. Or is it that they’re unwilling to take a certain chance, the chance of opening ourselves up to someone. Letting someone in and see our faults. Some of us are so guarded and to a degree I believe that it’s a good thing. They don’t get hurt as often and they can really disassociate themselves from a relationship or person with out really getting hurt. In my mind relationships should be easy, especially with someone who is alike. I know we’re afraid of getting hurt but I think all too often we forget what the good could be like and I think it heavily outweighs the bad. It’s like jumping off a diving board, at least in my mind. You’re standing there at the edge and the water is far away, and if you’re like me, afraid of heights. It’s a scary thing to do, you’re standing up there people looking at you and getting impatient because you’re not jumping, the lifeguard waiting and hoping they don’t have to come out there and pull you off or push you in. Its all so much pressure, we’re out there on a limb literally. But we either do one of two things. We turn around and do what I like to call the walk of shame, or you close your eyes, take a breath and jump; and speaking from experience its fun, that split second when you’re in midair between the water and the diving board. You eventually hit the water and if you’re not careful you can hit your back or stomach and that hurts, but if you do it right you slide in the water and go in…. over your head. Which is scary in itself. We don’t like being over our heads not knowing what to do, but we kick towards the surface and pop out spitting water and I like to think of it like a slow motion movie, coming out the water like that and in the end we go back to the end of the line to do it again. Relationships are somewhat like this, we’re scared initially and we have people we talk to impatient with us because we’re scared to do anything, they get annoyed with us. Our parents or peers are watching hoping that they don’t have to push us in or come get us off the limb we’re on. But if you have any guts you make your move, you jump. Things may end up badly you’re in over your head and you freak and you’re not sure what to do. But sometimes you immediately know what to do and you kick towards the surface and everything’s ok. I also think that people are too unwilling to look past mistakes made in the dating process. Things like moving too fast or deciding quickly that you like someone. To some people stuff like that ends it right there, but you know what? I have come to realize that the perfect dating process, and early first stages, doesn’t exist. Ever. We’re really afraid to be ourselves because we’re worried that the other person won’t like us. Now I know some people are reading this, at least I hope they are, but if they are they’re saying. I’ve had bad experiences in the past and they’ve left scars. I understand we all have that. It affects us no matter how bad we want it to, but to what degree is up to us. We need to stop dwelling on them and move on. Another thing I think we need to work on is first judgments, we tend to decide very quickly whether or not we will like that person, or whether or not we think we could date that person. You need to get to know them first. Then make your decision, and not based on looks either, I know that it’s important, there has to be some sort of attraction there. But I’m asking for the ones of us who God hasn’t blessed with good looks. Look deeper, look inside and I think you’ll be surprised at what you find. Girls complain they want good guys, but what they really want are attractive good guys. Those are somewhat mythical, like Bigfoot, or the loch ness monster. Guys want the perfect girl, we all have our lists and I’m not going to try to put them all down, but I’ll tell you something. Perfection is hard to find, I don’t really think that perfection is good; we all need a little dysfunction to a certain degree. If we don’t disagree on some things then we really are not doing any growing. Just remember that you never really know what’s going to happen. You don’t know who’s looking at you. You don’t know who you’ll end up with. In the words of one of my new favorite songs, “Sometimes bombs fall quietly”.