In Repair

I’m tired of getting hurt…….Can I say that? I’m tired of trusting and caring about someone and having my heart and hopes always completely dashed. I’m tired of thinking about that person and being happy with the contact that I get from them. The hugs and the talking and consoling her and getting torn down and crushed. I trust so easily and I care about the person easily and what has come of it? Pain. That’s it, that’s all I’ve ever gotten and I’m starting to wonder if that’s all I’ll ever get. What is it that causes me to get this every time. What is it about me that every time something good comes around the corner I get punched in the gut and hit while I’m down. Why is it that I get continually beat up? Will there ever be any respite from this? I cannot understand what I did to deserve all of this! I’m supposed to be a caring, sensitive, sweet, romantic guy and what has it gotten me? Nothing but heartbreak. I want to stop, I want to quit, I don’t want this anymore. But I know that that’s not possible, no matter what I keep moving forward and it sucks. I’d rather just stop right where I am and just stay here, I don’t wanna move on to the next person, ever. Not because of the current person but because the next person will hurt me. I know it, its going to happen. It always does. It always will. I’ve been told that people know I won’t end up alone and I’m not sure about that anymore. I really am not sure about that. Because if this keeps happening I’m gonna choose to be alone, and I know that sucks and its pathetic and I don’t understand why people live like that. But ya know what? I’m starting to understand why. They don’t wanna get hurt, they don’t want their heart ripped out unknowingly and crushed. How do I know this? Because its seriously entering my mind. It hurts too much to keep trying and I know I’m saying this now and I know that a couple weeks, months down the road I’ll be right back to normal again, trying, hoping, wishing. I know that all that’s gonna lead to is more pain. But my heart is dumb and can’t remember that. It truly believes in true love. But does it really exist? I’m seriously starting to wonder. Because the pain comes, all too often. Its there every time, all the time. What kills me is she’s so far….perfect. We agree on everything, but apparently that means nothing. She hasn’t said this but its been shown through words and glances and quiet moments. I’ve been to blind to see it, because I wanted to hope that this was it. But it wasn’t and I don’t think that it will ever happen. Because I’m about to become more cynical and jaded. I’m tired of being this weak, romantic person who gives what they have only to go unnoticed and overlooked. Why? You wanna know what I really think? Deep, down inside in the depths of my psyche and heart. It all, and I mean all boils down to physical appearance. That’s it, no more, no less. Because they say they want all these qualities, all these personality traits. But its not true, because they want to be able to look at them for more than 5 mins and not have to look away and feign that they like the person. That’s all they really want, no matter what they say and this is true for everyone. Because who gets attracted by personality first? No one. Find me one person who is and I’ll concede but it’s damn near impossible. I sit here tonight with all this on my mind and a million questions running through my head, wondering why this is happening to me and what I did to deserve this, and will I ever find someone. Will I end up alone, and be lonely for the rest of my life; and for once in my life I cannot give you an answer. I honestly don’t know, for so long I believed that I wouldn’t, but take a look around and see so many people single, and I can see that it does happen. Even to people who are supposed to not be alone. I’m starting to think that it could and most likely will happen to me. Because you know what? The sensitive, sweet, caring guys, the ones that are there when she needs you. They’re usually the first to die off. We’re the small, skinny weak kid, who in dodgeball gets creamed by the big kid first and is taken to the school nurse. They get hurt and crushed and they learn to be guarded. Just not all of us learn that, we’re the idiots that keep going back and getting burnt. In dating, we’re the retarded kid. Because we don’t ever really learn from our experiences. We constantly go back and do over what we have done in the past, and I don’t know if I can break out of that pattern. I’ve been told constantly that if you don’t look for love it will find you and I’ve had many people corroborate this story. But I don’t fully buy into it. Because we can’t sit on our butt and expect God to drop someone into our lap. We have to go out and look for them. I know, I know what you’re saying, you need to become who you are first and then find someone. I’m telling you right now I know who I am and where I stand. I know there are things I need to work on, we all have things we need to work on, and will until we die. I know that its somewhat idealistic to think that people can that look past peoples flaws and see what’s on the inside. It doesn’t happen that way and I don’t think it ever will. I can’t explain why I believe that. I’m starting feel that I’m messed up in relationships. That there is something fundamentally wrong with how I think and act when I like someone, and I know that I trust too much and make to much out of the little things. You could say I’m looking for reasons for, not reasons against. I’m sorry for being an optimist, I’m sorry that I continually hope for the best and believe in true love. As much as I don’t want to after this, I know that I will. Now I’ve talked about love a lot, and I want to assure you that I’m not in love with this girl. I know what love is and I’m not in love. I’m interested in her and probably even like her. I’m really starting to wonder if there is someone out there for me, because I haven’t even come close to finding her. At least that’s what I think. I know that I’ve said in the past that there’s someone out there for everyone, and there is. But we don’t always find them. Why? I have no idea. I just know that some of us don’t. There are some people now reading this, if anyone is, and they’re thinking that I want a relationship just to have a relationship. I will tell you right now that, that is not true. I want a relationship for all the right reasons. I want it for the emotional part, when you can talk to the person and confide in them and trust them and get to know them better. I want the spiritual part where you both help each other grow in your relationship with God. To me the physical part is an added bonus. Because just being able to hold her hand would make me smile for the rest of my life, no matter who she is as long as she’s the right one. I constantly try, give of myself and get nothing in return. I can’t explain this. I can’t understand this. I want to cry out why? Why me? Haven’t I suffered enough? Haven’t you put me through enough emotional pain? But I can’t because I know that He knows better, and for right now, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t see it and I don’t even know if it exists. I’m sorry that this is so long, but if you read it all, thank you.