In Repair

Tonight is one of those rare nights where I find myself alone, with no one to talk to, and a lot on my mind. One thing is the heart, not the physical heart but the emotional, spiritual one. We give so much of it away, I know I have, piece by piece it’s getting dismantled every day. Those pieces are never given back they’re tossed aside, they’re crushed, beaten and bruised. So that when you get them back, they never really fit back in perfectly. For the lucky ones, they don’t have to give much of themselves before they learn that it’s dangerous. But for some of us, we give virtually all of our hearts away. We get them back but we’re never the same again. We become jaded, and afraid to trust people. Some would say this is a good thing, but I for one am not a believer in the phrase, “No pain, no gain”. At least when it comes to this. Pain does build who you are but it damages you as it does. You don’t look different, or act different, at least around those who don’t know you well. But deep down inside you’re always worried about who’s gonna hurt who next, how am I going to be disappointed today? I always wonder if when I find someone will there be anything left to give them? Or will they have to pick up the pieces and put me back together? I know we shouldn’t meet people expecting them to hurt us but the harsh reality is that sooner or later they will. Sooner or later something will happen and we will get hurt. That’s life, and for some of us if we’re lucky we’ll make it through relatively unscathed. But for the majority of us we’ll come out looking like we’ve been in a meat grinder! Sometimes I wonder if it’s all really worth it? All this fighting and tearing parts of ourselves off. I recently had a moment I like to call a nirvana moment. Driving back from ihop after eating brunch with my dad and sister and her family. I had coffee and music on and just cruising on the highway. All seemed right with the universe and I wish I could have stayed on that road forever, or at least till I hit the ocean.  But I wasn’t able to, reality came crashing down and I had to come back home. I envy those people sometimes who have no cares, who aren’t burdened down by all this anxiety and pain and just plain frustration with their lives. I would LOVE to be a surf-bum and spend my days on the beach.  But life can’t be like that. We have to live in reality and not fairytales and fantasies. Life is like that, its not happy go-lucky, romantic fall in love. The guy doesn’t always get the girl, people don’t magically get better, people don’t always end up happy. They get hurt and bruised and chewed up in proverbial meat grinders. They have pain, pain that comes from deep inside their hearts and affects everything they do. It makes them take the safe road, and not take chances because in their minds, it’s only going to lead to more pain. But at the same time they’re worried that they by taking the safe road and not taking chances their missing out on something, something that could be great. So they’re stuck in the middle, like deer in the headlights, frozen to the floor not being able to move. All the while their personal demons are saying to them that they can’t accomplish anything and that they won’t be happy and won’t find the right person, and that they’re not good enough. It just takes someone to tell them that it’ll all be ok and things could happen, things could be better. I'm sorry I don't have anything profound to say tonight. But for right now? In this moment, profound has escaped me.